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wow. just wow

Ever had life come and bite you in the ass? I have. There are some days I just wake up and look around at all the people I love...who I care about and I want to cry because for as hard has my life has been and will be..I still feel so lucky. For all the shit I've seen and been through..I know there are people out there who have it so much worse. While I lived in a fucked up house there were people living under a bridge. I made it out and I'm not just existing like so many people I know...I'm living. I can finally walk into starbucks or save mart and start up a conversation with a stranger. I can finally have the confidence to start trying to drive again. I have the courage to listen to whatever I want and dance however I want. I live to the beat of my own drum and I feel so alive. Its intoxicating. I feel like I can do anything right now. I think I'm finally going to start writing again and this time I'm going to finish it..even if it frikkin kills me. I'm gonna start working out again and treating my body better. More than anything I'm gonna love who I am right now and let go of all the things in the past. I've learned and grown from them and now its time to move on. I've already dwelled too long on other people's problems. Michael is right..I stress way too much. I need to let go and just enjoy the ride of where life takes me. Of course try to direct it in the way I want to go but not so much that I feel like my life is falling apart when something doesn't go as planned. I've learned that I'm going to trip and fall and bruise something..probably a hundred more times before I die..but I know now, that I'll always have myself to pick me back up and I'll always have loved ones who will be there to help..should I need them. If I ever have a child..I don't want to be the kind of parent whose afriad to let them fall and make mistakes. I want him/her to experience life for all its worth..even the bad parts if it will make them grow. They say, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger," and I agree but I also think it only applies if you let it make you stronger..if you choose to hide it may not kill you but it could cripple you in a sense..and then how are you really living anyways? I guess I'm kind of rambling. I've been avoiding updating this account for so long that all my thoughts are spilling out at once. The original point of this entry was to take a vow.

From now on I will take each day at a time with a positive outlook and hope. I will take a deep breath when things get hard and will continue on anyways. I will overcome any anxiety or depresson the arises because I know the inner me is strong. I will smile, laugh and hug more. I will make a point of being nice to strangers. I will be more open-minded about music. I will try new things..[even if they look gross/scary/hard.] I will work on my posture. I will eat more healthy.

I will not take out my frusterations on other people, instead I will find a new creative outlet. I will not stop learning for once I do I might as well be dead. I will not judge or hate any person in which I do not know. Even if I know them I will not hate on them...[everyone makes mistakes and we all are learning and growing.] I will not give up on playing pool. [xD] I will not let the sims 2 rule my life. I will not push away any more of my family. I will not give up.

<3 Trinity
Darth Vei

[ps. ignore the typos. its late and I don't really care so poo.]

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August 2006
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